There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
