Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
