I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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