So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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