I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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