He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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