Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
