Buhtt sex?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
