Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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