the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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