I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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