I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
