I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
