The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
