I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
