Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
