i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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