in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
