I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
