If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
