I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize