Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Ketchup is God's man juice
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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