my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bring money and cleavage
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
