Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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