Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
