I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
