I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
