Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
