there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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