Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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