by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
