Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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