I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
