Screwed.edu
I bet he comes in French.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
