I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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