Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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