Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
