My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
