I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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