I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
