JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
