You're completely useless in the revolution.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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