8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
