I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
