what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
