1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
