i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
