is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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