last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
