I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize