I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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