then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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