we have officially lost it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
