so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
