i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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