2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
People in love make me want to vomit
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
