I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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