she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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