what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
