I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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