Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize