Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
