You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
