Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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