I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The air was thick with penises
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
