I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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