I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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