I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
