You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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